In a previous post I have written a little bit about my M.E, and have also done a bit in the 'about me' section of my website. The writing I do, and the personal experience I have comes as usual from a place of compassion. Whether I will ever totally understand some people's attitudes and actions towards us through this time is a different story. Within the scope of that I'd be doing you the reader, the people I want to help and myself an injustice if I write only about where I’m at now and skip the bit about the agony, as that awareness is what can help to change things for the better for others.
Forgiveness is a very individual process which took the time my body, mind and soul needed to acknoweldge the feelings, and handle the emotions of. Then finally when all the grief, anger, rage, confusion, lack of understanding, disbelief and numbness had dissipated, it was then and only then that I could integrate the acceptance into my entire being to bring forth the harmony I now experience. The truth is that there are no shortcuts here...the scenic route for this one may not be what you want to see, hear or feel, but believe me it is a necessity to witness the conditions of how, where, why and when your disease took root in order for you to prepare the earth, clear out the weeds, to enable the beautiful blossoms of your wellbeing to flourish.
I've had three NDE (near death experiences) since 1999, when I contracted my illness. Please if you are reading this and have M.E or your loved one does do not let this scare you as mine was an extreme case and my reason for sharing my story and other posts here is to help make things better for others so they DON’T have to go through what I did.
It seemed my illness started with a head injury back then, but subsequently I've found out that I had the epstein Barr virus sneakily hiding in my organs just waiting for the optimum chance of an injury, illness or emotional distress so it could initiate it's attack, and bring me down! And my oh my did it play a blinder, and certainly make a good job of it, in fact the battles I fought had me hanging on by a thread at some points.
There were those days, that turned into weeks, which became months and ultimately mounted up to years...bed bound... relying on carers for personal care needs...unable to speak...read...listen to music...understand what people were saying! In fact simple three letter words became unrecognisable... and I was in agony from head to foot, from skin through to bone...this is me the person who went through labour three times with no pain killers, until the small amount of gas and air just before the ‘Pushing bit’. I didn’t even go to the hospital until I was 5cm dilated with my first two. Being in a darkened room unable to stand any light was always difficult and at some points I actually had to eat my dinner in the dark with only the hall light on and a little candle, I had to make sure the candle didn’t flicker as that caused a horrible sick and dizzy reaction within my brain. The mere whisper of noise would often make my brain and internal organs vibrate so much I'd be sick and so dizzy that I'd feel I was on a boat in a force 9 storm. There were many months at a time dotted throughout those two decades where I couldn't ingest anything apart from liquid foods as my intestines were so inflamed and painful that digesting whole food was too much. My usual flat, toned stomach looked like I was six months pregnant. My heart, lungs and other organs were also affected to the stage where lying flat on my back was all I could do so my lungs could breathe reasonably well, and even lifting up one finger made my whole body and brain fatigue for hours, my heart beat like I'd run a marathon and it often felt my vagus nerve was shattered to pieces! My symptoms mounted to 32, which conventional medicine decided to treat with 178 pills a week, and at that time I myself with the limited cognitive abilities just had no other idea of what to do. I needed a wheelchair to take me from my bed for the ten steps to the bathroom. At its worst I often felt I was in a coma. It felt much worst that being in prison with the little choices I had as I lay there day after day just staring at the ceiling, that was of course in the wakening couple of hours outside the 22 hours a day I was sleeping at some stages!
Anyway getting back to the NDE. I had become very scared and distrusting of doctors due to the attitudes and treatments I had been given, and sometimes the lack of too. So me, my husband (who had M.S) and my boys were our health support team, caregivers, O.T's physio's, research team etc...Although I do have to point out here that I did eventually find a good GP and whilst she had no clue how to treat me effectively, she was kind and compassionate and did come to out to my house to make sure I was okay each week for a few months. I met another couple of angelic medics in my local hospital one night when I thought I was having a heart attack, and a kind, aware and alert consultant arranged for me to have more tests to check for an adrenal tumour, then checked up on me for a while thereafter. Another particularly significant time was when the angelic paramedics presence and reassuring words calmed me on another alarmingly scary night, when my blood pressure went through the roof and my adrenaline and heart responses were just off the scale terrifying!
But the profound and most enlightening experience came through divine dosage. I had been feeling everything shutting down including my brain for a while and at times couldn't recognise my husband or children, the pupils of my eyes were tiny little pun head black dots. The first night I had the NDE I could feel panic rising within me and I screamed inside of myself for someone to help... God...Angels anyone? I hadn't been sure whether I believed or not at this stage, as I struggled profoundly with trusting the humans I COULD see never mind entities I couldn't. Anyway as I lay there fighting for my life, pictures and images of what I still wanted to achieve in this life started to emerge, strong feelings of wanting to be there for my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and yes even great great grandchildren! (I’m an eternal optimist!) And there really were many others I'd like to help and a multitude of things I wanted to do and achieve, places I wanted to see. As these thoughts flooded my mind and lifted my heart, I suddenly saw a blue light all around me and thought ‘great’ I'm going blind now, that's all I need! Thereafter I felt warm, soft wings wrap around me, covering my entire body. That was followed by a feeling of being outside my body. Then my team of healing angels took my life into their hands or wings as the case may be! Now I know some people may not resonate with this, but still, it is a fact of my life. I felt like I was in intensive care... I could hear my angelic team of surgeons and medical experts (all eight of them) talking between themselves and going in and out of various parts of my body and mind...I was looking down on myself watching them keep me alive...It was a miracle! So that was my first NDE! Did I have to see it to believe it or did I have to believe it to see it...I now know the answer!