Boundaries and respect

January 8, 2018

Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone oversteps those lines in the sand, or passes through those limits you've set for yourself.

 

Truly understanding how to effectively set boundaries in relationships is a very important life skill. Life skills are abilities for adaptive and positive behaviour that enable humans to deal effectively with the demands and challenges of life.

 

If you have never been taught about boundaries this can cause you a lot of problems. If your primary caregivers in those early years were all over the place with boundaries then it can cause a lot of confusion, that can lead to unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships with yourself and others. Being able to set out clear boundaries for others as to what was acceptable for me was a challenge that I have effectively accomplished, but I can honestly tell you, for as strong as I am it wasn't easy. My downfall at times was I could always see past people's bad behaviour to a good soul, which they often couldn't see for themselves at times, and because of that I'd make excuses for them, try to rescue them.  Not  all the time but sometimes. An effective way to set boundaries is not to be influenced by other peoples behaviour. This is easier said than done, and often when you are in a difficult situation with someone  and there are wound healings going on, there are all sorts of negative energy exchanges. As people in these types of relationships are healing their wounds it can become a vicious circle of victim, persecutor and rescuer.

 

So when I'm talking about letting others know what is acceptable behaviour I'm not talking about controlling other peoples behaviour in anyway, it's more like. If someone is asking you to be involved in something that your gut says no to, or behaving in a way that is hurting you might want to say something along the lines of...Okay that's your thing but it's not mine so I don't want to be involved with that. Or sometimes...No you don't get to do that to me. Or no I don't feel comfortable with that, but I'd be happy to do this, would you like to do this instead? No that's definitely not for me thanks. No that's not acceptable I need you to leave. That was extremely hurtful, I don't know why you felt the need to do that. No I'm not happy about this so I need to go. These are just some example of what I mean by setting boundaries. In some cases more extreme measures may be necessary to ensure your safety. Setting boundaries is a fundamental part of loving and respecting yourself and it is a pivotal point to avoiding toxic relationships with yourself and others. 

 

Recovering from extreme trauma is not easy.  The fact that trauma can cause so much damage to our systems is not easy to take in. But it needs to be absorbed and all the feelings surrounding those incidents identified, acknowledged and worked through, until you come to acceptance and forgiveness. Otherwise you will keep getting circumstances coming up time and time again that will tug at the wounds. Forgiveness does NOT mean that you dive back in and put up with unacceptable, dysfunctional or toxic behaviour. It just means you have come to a place where it doesn't bother you at all thinking about those sets of circumstances, there is no emotional distress whatsoever, you don't wish the person bad you just don't want them in your life. Not to be confused with dissociation which is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a persons thoughts, memory and sense of identity. Which can sometimes make you think you have forgiven but in fact you have just blocked it out so that you don't feel it. Dissociation is a way of the brain protecting the body from the full blown physiological and physical effects of fear when going through extreme and traumatic events, it works like a little safety valve and in the short term can be of value as it can help you feel safer when in danger. Problems occur when you don't get the appropriate support following a traumatic event. We can't just go through traumatic events and push them away into the subconscious mind and hope for the best, it doesn't work like that. Suppressing traumatic events will eventually lead to physical illness of some sort as the mind is physically connected to the body. When you don't get the right support to help the conscious mind come to terms with what happened regarding a traumatic event, the effects of repressed memories will cause illness as the body tries to communicate to you that something in the mind is needing help to heal. 

 

Trying to reverse this can be extremely tricky and it needs to be handled in a respectful way with an empathic and experienced practitioner, especially with severe cases. With the many cases of PTSD that can often go undetected before the M.E takes over, it can take a while to discover your triggers and why they are affecting you as they do. Working your way through them a little by little with EFT is an excellent way of helping the body to cope efficiently with this. Remember though that not all of those EFT videos that you see on Youtube are displaying an accurate and responsible version of what EFT is and how it should be used. EFT is a wonderful and life enhancing wellness buddy which can help your mind to diffuse emotional distress so that it no longer has a negative impact on your system. You may find that working with someone who is skilled with EFT and who also has experience with what you are going through will be a more effective way of dealing with things.  The advantage of this is that they can often pick up on body language and subconscious cues that will help you to identify specific triggers, that may not seem obvious to you at times. Also skilled EFT practitioners have techniques they can use so that you always feel safe and supported while you are empowering yourself throughout your recovery journey. E.F.T (emotional freedom technique) is explained fully in my therapies section on the website.

 

It's always important to have a supportive tribe, people you can talk to that will really listen and won't judge you or your circumstances. You are not to blame for what has happened to you. Your subconscious mind will show you when it’s a good time for you to become aware, when the time is right for you to deal with those things the universe will send you situations and people to support you, remaining open to possibilities is so beneficial. You may have to work through feelings of anger, shame, guilt, humiliation, embarrassment, disappointment, fear etc... And at some points you may discover that you were actually carrying all or some of these burdens which belonged to others, but somehow they have become attached to you. This can happen frequently if you are an empath who has not discovered how to protect yourself from other people's energies. Don't worry, when you dig deep and find your true identity, and that illuminating light of authenticity emulates, your life will be so abundant with all your needs and desires that those shackles of misplaced loyalty will fall away...BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

 

Hone in to your gut instinct with people, situations and events. This is your bodies powerful communicator, and it is actually located in your gut. You know that familiar pulling you get in that area when things are not right, that is your enteric nervous system that is located in your intestines, which is sometimes called the second brain, speaking to you in intuitive volumes. Lots of people have forgotten to listen to their intuition and then become imprisoned by other peoples rules and opinions, forgetting that they have their own sets of guidelines, morals, ethics and values...

 

Bullying, abuse and manipulation is something I've had to deal with much of my life. I observed it as a very young child with many family members. I dealt with it as a teenager, then as an adult in many arenas of life from hospitals, to solicitors offices, to schools, to care home, to shops, restaurants, with police, with therapists, with friends, with husbands, with in-laws, with blah blah blah...yes it's rife, and it's not just me that's saying that. It's rife because it has become so widespread that it has become acceptable, and the more people who accept it the worst it is going to get. Many people are just not speaking up when they should, they want a quiet life, well you know what... Avoiding conflict with others can start a war within ourselves. So speak up when you need to, be assertive. Peace will come. Those bullies, control freaks and manipulators are just jealous, and some of them are as charming as they are vicious, don't be fooled by their fake seduction techniques. They are insecure people...You have something they want and they want to swap a piece of them for that piece of you. They are energy vampires who will project their emotional sewage on to you, and that shit will stick if you let it. And you know what, in return they will TRY to steal YOUR identity. DON'T LET THEM! Get better not bitter. The universe has a very good way of dealing with these things ~ It's called Karma!  

 

Dealing with abuse, bullying, controlling behaviour, and manipulation can be an absolute nightmare to deal with, not only at the time but often for a very long time thereafter if you have a sensitive soul. There are many who struggle their whole lives with the effects of the damage that this has done to their mind, body and spirit. There are many who put up with things because they can't see a way out. There is always a way out. There are people like me and others in this world who will show you that you can recover from this. Am I saying that M.E and other illness may come along as a result of this, well there’s definitely a gate been opened surrounding this for a while now, but I am not really called a scientist, I haven't developed a hypothesis, I don't sit here gathering data, doing rigorous experimentations, writing up charts, making comparisons, do I. Well perhaps not in the conventional sense, but then I've never really liked those line dances where everyone is boxed in with a certain move, why would I want to do that when free form is so much more exciting! And I don't really like charts they are  far too liney! What I am, is an extremely good listener, and I have been gathering that data for a very long time, I definitely also have very finely tuned observational skills, and also ‘other’ shall we say more 'mystical' types of gifts that help me to navigate my way though life, this all helps me to help myself and others.

 

My recovery from M.E showed me that I was much more intelligent than I had previously been led to believe. That intelligence wasn't just about IQ (intelligence quotient) but also about SQ (spiritual quotient) and EQ (emotional quotient) which are equally important. Finding a good balance with all three is key to living a happy, healthy, free, authentic and fulfilling life. 

 

Wishing you much love, light and balance for a harmonious life. oxoxox

 

 

 

 

 

 

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